Beatha Coaching

In my previous two posts I introduced the importance of fully processing grief and loss, the time that takes, and the consequences of not taking or not being given sufficient space to grieve. In this post I want to look at a very specific and frequently overlooked manifestation of grief. Often referred to as a crisis of faith, the grieving which comes as part of disappointment or disillusionment in a system, institution, or individual who we perceive to have let us down, is as significant and acute as bereavement, but also more complex due to the unresolved nature of the relationship. This may be especially the case where we need or choose to remain connected, or will face significant additional losses should we decide to exit.

Disappointment & grief in academia

In thinking about grief in this way I am drawing on Gerkin’s model of the triadic journey of faith. Gerkin identified that members of religious communities often experience a crisis of faith in which early established beliefs and codes of behaviour come into conflict with new life experiences and challenges. In these times, beliefs that had been foundational to a sense of self and belonging become open to change, as they fail to work as survival strategies in a more complex reality. Ultimately this crisis will be resolved by forming new, adaptive belief structures that can re-anchor identity. Whilst Gerkin was looking specifically at spiritual beliefs, this model is appropriate for thinking about any disappointment where an institution, community, or individual that has been significant to forming our sense of identity and purpose in the world becomes unstuck from the secure position they held in our minds. I see this phenomenon often with late-stage PhD students, and with ECRs in their first teaching jobs. To a certain extent, the institution of Higher Education works like a religious community, with a shared set of values, codes of behaviour, rules for belonging, and symbolic rituals of membership. There are also distinct costs to leaving the community, and a disabling received wisdom that despite a high-functioning skill-set and intellectual ability, lack of exposure to work outside HE means that being successful elsewhere will be challenging and problematic.

Many researchers go into academia as a PhD student without exposure to the realities of life inside an institution. Depending on the doctoral experience – eg, how engaged you were invited to be in the life of your department; whether you were local to your institution or worked independently; how communicative your supervisors were – it is also possible to enter a teaching job or postdoc still relatively ill-informed about how the sector works. In some respects, then, a crisis of faith seems an inevitable part of the process of becoming an established academic. By its nature, the PhD narrows career options by forcing deep specialisation, and this, combined with the still prevailing rhetoric that PhDs lead to academic positions, encourages a rush to join the hamster wheel of applications and ubiquitous yet strangely competitive short-term temporary jobs. It is easy to see how it might be the case that many researchers only look up and notice the realities of institutional dysfunction once already deeply embedded within the system. Suddenly, the lack of time to write and research, coupled with increasing pressures to do so, the valorisation of overwork and presenteeism, the daily microaggressions of racism, sexism, ableism, and classism from senior colleagues and hiring committees, become more visible and increasingly pertinent. And this leads first to shock, then to disappointment, and so to grief.

Grieving disappointment

As I discussed in my previous post, unprocessed grief can keep us stuck in the early stages of the change curve, where complex thinking and creative problem solving is much more difficult. Disappointment is a far less tangible loss than bereavement, however. To feel loss and disappointment over a place, person, or system, whilst still being deeply connected to it, makes it far harder to articulate or explore emotions in a way that will help us move forward. I suspect this us one of the reasons why ECRs often experience their disappointment as a feeling of being stuck, in which they struggle to articulate or envision next steps and new possibilities. This kind of paralysis and decision fatigue is connected to the freeze response, in which our nervous system deals with a situation in which we feel trapped and powerless through dissociation and disconnection. Being stuck may show up as hypervigilance and high performance at work but being unable to articulate personal desires or choices in the rest of life. Alternatively, it could feel like numbing and mental exhaustion in which we go through the motions but struggle to react unless we are pushed by immediate demands. The loss of certainties and values that had been the foundation of our plans for the future also leads to choice fatigue, as we are forced to consider alternatives rather than actively choosing to do so.

All of these reactions give us clues as to how to begin to grieve and recover from disappointment. Numbness and dissociation are survival functions of our limbic brain designed to keep us safe during experiences of trauma. By disconnecting from our immediate sensations of pain, loss, or anger, we can continue to show up at work and perform. In order to move from stuckness, we therefore first need to start feeling again, to notice and acknowledge the emotions and physical sensations communicating discomfort to us. A starting point for healing any grief is to name it as such, to be able to say: I am disappointed; I feel exploited; this isn’t what I had hoped for. One of the most salutary experiences many of my clients go through is to start to see their reactions to toxicity and overwork as reasonable and rational. Feeling emotions is the first step to integrating and moving through them. Restarting connection to the things that make you you and bring energy and vitality to your everyday life is also essential. A freeze is best counteracted through gentle stimulation and activation. What else do you have in life beyond academia? Do you love to garden? to cook? to spend time with friends? to take classes? Integrating daily activities that will stimulate your senses and creativity is a compassionate but effective way to bring your higher brain functions back online so that you can problem solve and consider how you want to move forward. Finally, allow yourself time to adjust without making hasty choices. You may want to reach out to friends or a support network beyond the accepted norms of academia to help you process, but make sure you are clear about what you want from that interaction to avoid being deluged in unhelpful advice. Spending time reconnecting with yourself, your values, and what attracted you to research in the first place can help to shift you forward on the change curve toward feeling safe to experiment and explore again. Disappointment with the state of HE doesn’t need to become to defining factor in your life.

If you would like to talk with someone in an informed, confidential setting, and explore your options for the future, I am a qualified life coach and former academic lecturer, and offer specialist 1-2-1 coaching packages. Check my ‘Work with me’ page for current offers or get in touch: francesca@beathacoaching.org. And don’t forget to follow me on instagram, twitter, and LinkedIn to keep up to date with all my workshops and classes.