Beatha Coaching

In my last few blog posts I have explored the ways in which grief is often present but unacknowledged in our working life. I’ve mentioned the unexamined costs of pursuing an academic career, as well as a too common lack of compassion for other life losses such as bereavement, and I have also discussed the grief of being disappointed in a workplace or sector, and the need to publicly acknowledge the systemic inequalities that impact work in higher education. So in this blog I want to turn toward more practical tools for grieving, and why grief is so important for our mental health.

The psychological need to grieve

I outlined the Kübler-Ross and Kessler change curve in this earlier post. Commonly referred to as the five stages of grief, these are the emotional and psychological processes we need to experience in order to fully integrate losses. Key to the change curve is not that all stages have to happen in that order to have grieved fully, but rather that as a whole they reflect a process of recognising and coming to terms with loss in such a way that we can fully anchor into our present, changed, reality. Denial, anger, and depression in this process are not primarily focused on the source of the grief, but instead on what that grief now means for us. This is why Kessler later added a sixth stage to the curve called ‘finding meaning’. Grief feels like mourning the past, but it is actually about having to experience a distressing present and identify new ways of being in it. Grief is therefore central to our identity formation in times of change, and is often characterised by finding new stories that we can tell about ourselves, our lives and our losses.

If grieving is essentially a meaning-making process, then it also becomes an essential component in avoiding burnout and depression. Burnout is shutdown, the extreme end of a freeze state brought on by being overloaded with too much for too long; and depression likewise manifests in the nervous system like a freeze. In freeze, we are mostly operating from the dorsal branch of the vagus nerve. This is the part of our nervous system that kicks in when a threat becomes overwhelming and there is no way to get away from it. Instead of taking defensive action, we go numb, our pain receptors reduce the signals they are sending to the brain, our heart slows, our limbs get heavy, our mind becomes sluggish. In an extreme state of freeze, such as after a severe shock, we may faint, which is a little like the dorsal branch pulling on our handbrake. In freeze, it can feel incredibly challenging to motivate ourselves, and almost impossible to see new possibilities. Freeze may be mistaken as fatigue, something that will improve with rest, however there are key indicators that this is more than tiredness: losing track of time or having difficulty describing what you have been doing or how you travelled to a location, socially withdrawing even if you crave connection, constant thoughts and feelings of shame and guilt but a total lack of motivation, or simply finding you are very emotionally detached. Freeze is a natural consequence of trauma and is one of the ways our brain copes with distressing situations, and unprocessed grief can function as a trauma.

Dissociation is a disconnect of the signals between our thinking brain and our embodied and emotional sensations, or of our feeling self from our awareness of our environment. It is a key function of freeze designed to enable us to keep going in traumatic situations, commonly seen in abuse survivors and those who have been through a conflict. However, dissociation has a huge impact on our higher brain functions, where creativity, logic, and complex reasoning live. When we are dissociated, the brain focuses more energy and attention on areas like the amygdala and hypothalamus, our brain’s threat detection system that monitors our survival. The prefrontal cortex, where we do our creative thinking and play, receives less energy. This in turn can keep us in a survival state as, with our threat centres in the driving seat, we are unable to see cues of safety in the environment that would enable us to relax and come out of freeze. In other words, if we are dissociating from unprocessed grief in order to cope with going to work, we are also less able to function at work, particularly around anything to do with creativity and ideas generation, such as writing and research. Finding ways in which we can grieve safely is therefore essential to our wellbeing and to protecting our mental health.

How to grieve

1. Titrate the experience

One of the keys to grieving is to safely move away from dissociation. This needs to be done whilst remaining mindful of two things – the dissociation occurred in order to help us cope with something painful or traumatic, and in order to avoid overwhelming ourselves again we need to be cautious about flooding our system with sensations and emotions. In trauma-informed practice we call this titrating – instead of looking at everything all at once, we pick one small thing to start with. Maybe, initially focus on sitting for a minute and simply being present to the emotions that come up without needing to push them away. Or take one aspect of life that is different from what you had hoped and explore how acceptance and curiosity might feel there. Once you feel more comfortable in an area you can then add a little more to the experience, such as experimenting with something new, or allowing yourself to sit with uncomfortable emotions more frequently. In the early stages of grieving you may regularly return to dissociation, and that’s ok too – gently increasing the amount of time you are aware and present to your emotions is the goal.

2. Practice acceptance and curiosity

The cognitive associations of loss and grief are often distressing and unpleasant, and it’s very easy to start labelling our emotions as good or bad. It’s ‘good’ to feel happy, joyful, and confident; but it’s ‘bad’ to feel sad, low, or angry. Many of these associations are ones we have been socialised into, often from being gendered female, our class background, or from being a poc or migrant. Family stories may also play a part – if you were the sunshine child whom everybody needed to be bouncy and happy all the time, for example, it may be a lot harder to openly feel and express sadness. When we first sit with our emotions honestly, therefore, we can experience others alongside them, such as shame and guilt. In these moments it is helpful to remember that emotions are not good or bad, they have no implicit values, they are simply information messages coming to tell us how we are really doing. And we also always have a choice about how we want to respond. So as the emotions come up, practice curiosity rather than judgement – what can this emotion tell me about how I’m doing today and what I need?

3. Come back to the present

Ultimately, grief is about coming to terms with where we are now. Despite it’s past tense associations, grieving is a strongly present-tense activity. So just as we can learn to sit with and experience our emotions again, so too we can learn to accept and come back to the present moment. Focusing on where we actually are right now has an additional benefit. When we consciously activate our senses and stay mindfully present, our prefrontal cortex starts to take over from the amygdala again, and we regain our capacity to think creatively, see possibilities, and make more balanced, positive assessments of life. Being consciously present when you are coming to terms with grief can initially be painful, which is why titrating and practising acceptance are foundational parts of the process. Start small, perhaps by focusing on the smell of your favourite tea in the morning, the play of light through the window, the melodies of a song you love. Notice the effect this has on your emotions and thinking, and then gradually increase your capacity to be present in the day, paying attention to the good as well as the bad, and practicing acceptance as you go.

4. Grieve with others

Part of healing from grief is being able to tell our stories and be heard. With disenfranchised grief, the initial losses are compounded by lack of space to speak, or by limiting narratives restricting what it is possible for us to say in public. However, social engagement is key to meaning making, and to countering the isolating effects of dissociation and freeze. Ventral vagal connection, which comes online around safe people, is a prerequisite for creativity and playfulness. But in the midst of healing from grief, it is also vital to put boundaries around your emotional safety. If you know you won’t be heard in your workplace or by family, then look elsewhere. A trusted friend or colleague, a community space, or a professional can be good choices to support you as you journey through the process. What is important is that you are finding a way out of isolation and allowing safe people in to support you.

I hope these posts on workplace grief have been helpful. Please do get in touch and let me know what you would like me to write about next.

If you are looking for support and community, I have spaces opening up in my private coaching practice now. I offer a six session package of 1.5 hour sessions over three months to focus on a specific issue; I also offer therapeutic 1 hour sessions aimed at general stress, anxiety and burnout recovery issues. If you are woman in academia, you could also join Beatha Coaching Community, my low-cost group space for gentle coaching and input around the challenges of being in higher education.

To book a free initial conversation about whether working with me to improve your wellbeing and workplace experience could be right, send me a message using the form below.